Surviving Cancer: Wrestling to Let Go 

Realizing and admitting that you’re holding on to anger and fighting to let go of it, is the hardest thing. I find myself searching for answers and actually waiting for a reply from within. Like really? I had to come to the conclusion that at this moment the Why’s have to be left unanswered. I was doing more harm than good to myself- I was forbidding myself from totally healing.

 First comes, the acknowledgement,  followed by the acceptance then followed by complete healing. I guess it’s safe to say I’m at step one!

The fucked up thing about cancer is the scar that it leaves behind. Everyday you are constantly reminded that you’ve had to fight this horrible diesase. Although I’m grateful for being alive, as a human I can’t help but ask why me? What did I do to deserve this? – it’s a horrible feeling to have consistently. But I’m beginning to realize that not everything in life has to make sense and you won’t always get the answers to questions you desire because sometimes what you’re going through is bigger than you!  I’m beginning to find myself again- beginning to do the things I love, things that distract me from my day to day sufferings! 

My obturator is still broken – and it’s frustrating. In an effort to distract myself-  I’ve been “beating my face” if you will and dressing up daily, after all I was and always will  be a beauty insider. I live for fashion and beauty. I’ve also been paying attention to my online store again.  Using my camera more, snapping away at things that are abstract and candid to say the least. These things distract me and keep my mind off what’s wrong. I’ve realized as humans, we often get so caught up in what’s not right that we forget to acknowledge that, there is so much beauty in this world. It is up to us to find our place, create our own happiness despite the mishaps and chaos we experience. 

After all, Im here and I have a second chance at life.  I’ve promised not to get caught up in where I could have been but focus on where I am going, and make the most of the life I now have!

To answer one of the questions I received-  the answer is Yes– I experience a lot of highs and lows (mood swings)- very frequently. Thankfully my close friends are patient and have learned to give me my space when necessary. “zero to one hundred real quick”. 🙂

The Journey to healing continues! 

2 Comments Add yours

  1. thesmilingpilgrim says:

    Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Like

  2. Jeannine says:

    Janiela- thanks for a great post. I zoomed through diagnosis and surgery last fall, was on “house arrest” for a month or so. Lots removed ( all female organs, 32 lymph nodes , other stuff) BUT the lymph biopsies came back NEG so no chemo/radiation, just recovery from major abdominal surgery. My point is that I kept a stiff recovery upper lip for awhile, then, when I started to feel better- BAM! Feelings! Dammit! Cancer is seriously scary shit. I am proud of you and me for working it through instead of being beaten. I have two daughters also, ovarian cancer in my family, being there for them is my primary focus. I love your idea about making a happy memory bucket list. Work it out! Come through!

    Liked by 1 person

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