When you start to doubt your worth, remember that God created you like no one else. Very deliberately, he made you – You!
For two years, I’ve been battling and still am with my self-regarding my purpose in life, following my new normal. It’s amazing how fast time flies, sometimes it feels like my surgery was just a few months ago. Don’t get me wrong, I am more than delighted that I’ve come this far. Its just some things are very peculiar: when I speak certain words, eat certain foods and drink certain liquids, I am constantly comparing the experience to what it was like before I had surgery.
Growing up, I always had a problem with my speech. I used to stutter throughout my speaking, but I manage to train myself to slow down my speech and let my words flow at their own pace. I don’t stutter now but sadly I always sound like I have a cold (very nasal). If I get excited and speak at a fast pace all of my words are sadly lost in translation. Although it’s not my fault, I always feel embarrassed when I have to repeat myself multiple times especially when I’m in public places with lots of noise. I also feel a sense of bleakness, when someone just says “ok” to me after I’ve asked a questioned or made a statement to initiate a conversation. These moments definitely leave me feeling ashamed.
The obturator, makes my life great in a lot of ways, but sometimes I wonder what life would be like without it. What if I opted for the flap surgery instead? What would my speech be like now? Would I have been able to eat just the same? Would I experience the little mishaps when I try to swallow liquids? What if I would have ignored all the signs and symptoms, how long would I have had to live with Cancer? Would I have still been the optimistic, head strong and confident girl I was before the surgery? There are so many questions without answers.
Cancer is one of those illnesses that you can’t forget about even for a second because it leaves an eternal mark. Although many people aren’t able to see my scar, there isn’t a day, an hour, or a minute that I’m not reminded. It feels almost as though I am constantly revisiting the acceptance page in my life. I can only imagine how many people there are out there who are experiencing this. There are so many people like me who are not even talked about. There are so many who are living and slaying effortlessly.
This post was simply to remind you, whoever you are, wherever you are, that sometimes what we want isn’t always best. The very thing that may bring us the most peace may not be the thing we fight the hardest to keep.