The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal. I feel like a broken record, especially when I’m asked the question “how do you feel”? Now, don’t take it the wrong way I am extremely grateful to be alive, look normal physically and being able to work again.
Is there a significant difference compared to one year, seven months ago – absolutely! However there are just some things that haven’t really changed, like having a swollen face in the morning and of course the tightening of the jaw that I guess can be labeled as chronic pain. I am honestly tired and uncomfortable at times, in my own skin. At times I am just angry, angry because of my reality.
The slightest adjustments to my obturator causes so much discomfort, while erasing the progress of my stick therapy and the coldest of days causes so much pain. There is so much mental pep talk that goes into putting on a smile and waking up everyday, the many of the emotions I go through in one day- drains me, physically and mentally. But I’m thankful, thankful to still be able to wake up daily, have a roof over my head and mostly importantly I get to watch my beautiful girls grow up. Life after Cancer is rough and depressing at times, yet it is sometimes beautiful because there’s someone who looks up to me because of my strength and the way I portray living life after cAncer. I can only imagine what it’s like for someone living with the disease. Negativity can easily consume your mind, which causes you to seclude yourself from people, even the ones closest to you!
Incorporating a balanced diet and frequent workout routines have helped to improve my mental health. These little things make me happy – the mere fact of being in my own space and having the ability to self care. Traveling, exploring the world, was one of the few things I added to my “bucket list”. It is also my way of recharging mentally. There’s nothing more depressing than being in a dark place mentally, with only memories of work. I promised myself to travel more because I wanted to have great memories if I were to ever end up where I was two years ago.
I find myself in a place where compared to years ago, it’s so much easier for me dissolve relationships that are toxic. I’ve realized that’s people come and they go, the important thing to identify the purpose they served while they were a part of your life. The strain of forcing a connection is mentally exhausting and uses up time that unfortunately we can’t get back. Some life experiences change for the better even if they have left a mark that hurts periodically.
The Journey to Healing Continues